Dealing with loss

Two years ago today my world was completely turned upside down.  We had gone through the usual elation of a positive pregnancy test, and I went in for a 9 week ultrasound to chart my high risk pregnancy.   I remember lying on that table with the ultrasound tech trying to detect a heartbeat, with no success.  The next nine months were such a roller coaster ride of emotions, that even still thinking about now, is still so hard to comprehend.  

I think those that have experienced a pregnancy loss or have struggled to get pregnant are truly the only that can understand that feeling of loss.  I can't tell you how many people told me it was ok, the baby wasn't going to be healthy anyway, this was best.  Or, luckily you found out now, so early on.  Or that basically looked at me and couldn't understand why I was crying.

I remember getting home and having a hospital associate call and ask me tell them in detail what I understood the procedure I was having the next day entailed.  I was angry at this.  I wasn't having a splinter removed, I replied, "my baby has died and the doctor will be removing the fetus."  I remember my body still letting me down as I still was throwing up with morning sickness from all of the hormones.

That same week, as I struggled to stop crying, I went in to a counselor who basically told me, sounds like I was sad and that I would get over it.  She didn't understand the feeling of loss or the feeling of inadequacy.

I somehow pulled through for Christmas, put on a smile to go back to work and tried to deal with the loss by myself.  Which was a bury your head in the sand approach.  The pain lessened a bit, but I still thought of all of the pregnancy milestones I should be going through.  

The hardest phase would probably be a surprise to most, it was when we found out we were pregnant again.  Every appointment I went in for, I was sure that they were going to tell me that the baby didn't have a heartbeat.  As I sat in the doctors office at around 6 weeks, she told me that they couldn't detect a heartbeat, but it was too early to call it a non viable fetus. (What a nurturing response). She didn't tell me that the heartbeat is detectable any time between 5 and 7 weeks. I spent the next week by myself in New Orleans on a work trip, convinced i was going to find out the next week that my baby wasn't ok. I researched when I should be able to hear the heartbeat and signs of pregnancy.  I cried.  We went back in for a follow up when I got back and heard the heartbeat for the first time.  It was magical.  I changed doctors, and I still second guessed every moment of that first few months of pregnancy. Cramping, spotting, morning sickness.  I didn't trust that my body would do what it was meant to do.  I was that crazy woman in my doctors office.  But we made it.

As we near C's first birthday I know the follow up journey was worth it, it doesn't mean it was easy.  I won't ever forget the milestones this other baby should be reaching, but I also know that if that baby had survived, we more than likely wouldn't have C in our life.  

I leave you with the reason I wrote this, miscarriage is more than just the loss of a baby.  It is the loss of a hope, a dream, and a loss of trusting your body to be able do what you want it to or you think it is supposed to.  In the end, it would probably just be easier to leave it alone and not talk about it.  But I think that isn't fair to others experiencing this loss.  My advice to you, the best way to deal with this with those you love who maybe going through this, is to offer a hug, a card and just remember that they will be tracking the milestones their baby would have had.  Remember them on their due date, don't push them to talk about it, remember them during their next pregnancy journey.  And please don't ever say, it is for the best. 

Breakaway

After Dropping C off on Monday at school (A and O went to work with daddy), I was driving to the office and listening to my Satellite Radio when Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson came on the radio.  It brought back a flood of memories of my leaving Minneapolis over 8 years ago (wow- can’t believe it has been that long!). 

One of the lines, “I won’t forget all the ones that I love.  I’ll take a risk, take a chance, make a change.” still rings so true to me.  I suddenly felt the wind in my hair, as I was jamming in my convertible to that song on repeat with my ‘life’ in the back seat as I said goodbye to Minneapolis and started on the 4 day road trip to San Diego.  I think that solo road trip was what I needed to put some space in between my two life chapters.

Most of my life is as I hoped it would be when I said  goodbye to that stage in my life has gone according to my plan.  Sometimes it is sad that I don’t get to see my old Retek friends nearly as much as I would like, they were such a huge part in making me who I am today. I learned so much from my time there.  I participated in an IPO at 23, wiggled into my career as an Event Manager at 23, bought my first house at 24 and worked with some of the smartest and hardest working (and playing) people that I’ve ever known.  (and probably ever will).  We worked hard and played harder, but I created such a great foundation of what I do and who I am today. 

I think that song came on today to remind me why I made that choice to say make a change and why I wanted to come out to San Diego and give it a shot with my now-husband (who I’ve now known for nearly 18 years).  Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life with 3 young kids it is easy to take that relationship for granted, which isn’t fair.  So to my husband, I love you and am so glad you’re a part of our life.  I can’t believe all of the things we’ve been through together and I’m glad you’re on this journey with me. 

Where I come from...

I grew up in a small town, never flew on an airplane until I was 19.  I think from an early age, I knew that the small town life wasn’t really where I would set my anchor and live.  My parents probably saw it too, they helped me expand my horizons beyond our little town.    I was on statewide boards for our church youth group and met friends from all over the state. 

It's hard to believe that the person I am today, who has flown 320k miles, travelled all of our Europe:  London, Nice, Monaco, Brussels, Finland, who's lived in London, England, Florida, California, lots of places in MN, grew up in that small town with less than 700 people in our town and a graduating class of 19.

Now that I have my own family, I realize that there are some great things to being from a small town, probably the same things that I disliked when I was young. 

·         Everyone knows your business, but that taught me accountability.

·         In order to field sports teams, band, clubs, choir, almost everyone has to participate.  However, I did learn that I wasn’t very sporty early on. But it taught me how to multi-task.

·         Money was tight, but it taught me to importance of working and managing a budget.

·         We were 30 miles from a larger town, but it taught me the importance of planning ahead and creating lists (thanks mom, this will help with my Black Friday planning).

·         Almost everyone went to church, it gave me a strong spiritual back ground and something I knew to some extent I wanted to pass on to my kids.

·         All teenagers had a job, I worked 40-60 hours a week (during the summers) for a great family with 6 kids, that even though I don’t see hardly at all anymore, I get to keep up with their lives via Facebook and think about them more often than they would ever know- and taught me such a strong work ethic.

·         Almost all of the women I knew worked- my mom, my boss (with the 6 kids), my best friend’s mom…  They taught me how to juggle life and to make sure I valued the right things in life.  That I made sure I picked a job and a career that would allow me to balance all of it out.

·         A solid education- while we didn’t get offered as many perks as my kids may get in a larger town (kindergarten computer and biology labs), I received a solid education in the basics that have helped me get to where I am in my life.

·         Great friends- while there are only a few that I still keep in real life contact, there are some I still follow on Facebook and truly care about their lives and their achievements and their kids achievements.  And for those that I still keep in contact with, I still consider them some of my best friends and they are the first people I want to tell about my news, good and bad.

So to all my ‘small town’ family, I think I appreciate you much more than I did 20 years ago, and you provide such a great and welcoming place to visit, and a place for my kids to create such great memories during their summer visits.  Thank you!

The Middle Child

I grew up as a youngest child, with an older brother.  My husband was the oldest of 4.  Neither one of us were middle children and to be honest, if I really stop and think about it, I’m not sure I know many kids that are the middle child, with an older sister and a younger brother.  (other than my mom!)

Now that O keeps growing up and passing her major milestones, I sometimes stop and watch her and try to understand what it feels like to be a middle child- she’s usually not the first to do anything she’s not the last to do anything.  She’s not big enough to do some of the things A gets to do, but she can’t act like a baby like her little brother either.  She has her mom, dad and her big sister bossing her around all of the time and telling her what she should and shouldn’t do.

I do think the one positive that little miss O has going for her is her personality is unmatchable, she calls the shots like she sees them, and she knows to ask for what she wants.  She has a great relationship with her daddy and they are like two peas in a pod.  She’s a great swimmer, she’s great at riding her bike, she’s athletic, and above all, as she says it, she’s cute.

I know she’ll go far, and I also know that I need to take the time to make sure she doesn’t look back and think, being the middle child just wasn’t fair.  She needs to have the same opportunities to try things for the first time.  I think I’ll add that to my project plan and make sure that what she needs to succeed doesn’t get lost in our crazy shuffle.  And we’ll take time to make sure her milestones don’t get passed over because she has her quiet way of just being ready to do them.

We love you O.

Bible Stories

C and O were baptized this summer while we were back visiting MN.  O received a children’s bible as a gift.  I thought it would be a great idea for us to finally start going to Sunday school and reading a bible story each night before bed.  A seems to be paying fairly good attention to the stories each night, but I wasn’t sure what O was learning until a night two weeks ago when A was sick and already asleep.  O and I read the story together, and said our prayer together and I told her we were all done.  She looks at me and says, “Ok mommy, I’ll read one to you”.  O:  “God saved the people from the mean people in the castle.  Then the people crossed the sea.  Then they all lived happily ever after”.  Sounds about right.

Good Choices

It has been a really long few weeks for the Van Sloun’s.  We’ve had strep throat, hives, new teeth breaking through, a fever, possible bladder infection, 3 trips to the pediatrician, one trip to the dentist, Halloween and crazy weeks at work and our college courses.  

Last night when I went to pick up my little posse, I was greeted with C in the office getting his temp taken- great, I thought, that means he’s booted tomorrow- what on earth am I going to do?  We’ll figure it out, I thought, we always do.  Then I walked in with a semi-grumpy and just feeling lousy 9 mos old (yippee- he just turned 9 mos, where did the time go?)-  I digress, I was greeted with 2 incident reports for A and O, awesome.  Turns out O had bit A during naptime.  We pack up our stuff, and I’m thinking about how to handle all of this.

We get in the car and are headed home- I look back at O (who’s 3) and asked why she bit her sister.  She gives me the half smirk I’ve seen in my photos from about her age and it makes me repress a giggle.  She’s says “Mommy, I just don’t know.”  Fair enough.  I truly think some days I would like to bite a few coworkers, and I guess at some stage (probably long after I was three), I learned that wasn’t appropriate.

Halfway home, my phone rings and it is one of A’s friend’s mom’s.  She asked if I got the report that A and her little buddies decided not to do their sports class yesterday (that we pay for) and instead sit in the sandbox.  I sighed, said I wasn’t aware (we get a stack of about 25 sheets of ‘art’ every day), but that we would talk about it and it we agreed it wasn’t their choice to make (at $12 a class…). 

We make it home, I take a deep breath, head inside and tackle it head on. 

O- no more biting or I’m taking a piece of candy each time from your bucket- “Ok mommy, I love you.  But sometimes my sister pushes my buttons.” (Sucker, she’s REALLY good at this for only being 3). 

A- you need to make good choices about participating in sports class, if you don’t want to do it anymore, fine, but we aren’t paying for you to hang in the sandbox-  “Ok”

C- and C proceeds to throw up all over me.

But thinking back on last night, I still smile a bit and realize that they we all have choices and that’s part of the fun in being a parent, sorting through those choices together.  Love them to pieces and I know every day that that is the only choice I have to make.

The Restaurant

I’m quite positive it would be a hard task to find grandparents better than we have: for my parents:  before retirement, my mom spent a great deal of her vacation time coming out to help us in one way or another, a few weeks after my last two babies were born. My dad has changed more  diapers on my kids than he did on his own, when they are visiting, they are like extensions of us and swing into our family so well, they help out with household tasks and do fun adventures with the kids.  For my husband’s parents, they jump in when we are back visiting and host some great adventures with the cousins, and provide some quality cuddle time.  My mother in law has that crafty gene that I just didn't get and the girls love their activities with her.  My father in law has tickets to the MN Gophers basketball- need I say more?

This summer, my mom spent nearly 7 weeks with some combinations of my kids. It was awesome (grandpa spent a few of those weeks too, but he had to work.  J )  Mom came out to help my husband cover when I had an event across the country and then spent a lot of one on one time with the girls doing Grandma and girl dates, and then the girls spent nearly 2 weeks with both of my parents back in MN.  They had a great trip, and hopefully an annual one- they got to do awesome grandma and grandpa type activities. When I went to stay with them and finish out the trip with my youngest, C, I truly think they had grown up a lot during those two weeks.

With 3 young children, one of the things we don’t do very often is eat in restaurants.  To me, it not worth the hassle for all of the work while there.  However, with all of the time with Gma and Gpa, they got to eat out a lot- and they loved it.  My favorite part of their return to “real life” as I call is was during our first meal.  A sits down at the table and says: “ Mommy, I’d like to order a grilled cheese, some apple sauce and Chocolate Milk, light on the chocolate”.  O “I’d like Pizza and grapes!”.  Me “Sorry, my friends, the restaurant is now closed.  Tonight we’re having Chicken, peas and white milk.”. 

The Last Firsts

I think I start to get a little weepy thinking about it this being the "last firsts"… My husband has decided no more kids (at least for the moment).  It is probably a fairly fair statement, especially after the week we’ve had with 2 out of 3 being sick, dentist appointments, doctor appointments, eye appointments, etc.  There is really no time for work!!! 

But I still start to get a little sad thinking about this being the last round of firsts for us…  C is moving right ahead, he’s had his first bath, his first ride on an airplane, his first solids, he scooted for the first time, crawled for the first time, had his first cheerios.   He’s standing up on things and very proud of himself.  Maybe it’s just that pure joy to see someone truly believe that anything is possible and not realize that someone telling you you can’t do something isn’t really true.

My other 2 have started to believe they ‘can’t’ do something, and I really don’t want them to feel that way EVER.  We talk about it a lot, we talk about how saying can’t really isn’t true- that no matter what, together, we can find a way to make it happen, sometimes you just need a little help.  You might not be perfect every time and you may not every really be good at some things you try and do, but nothing should hold you back. 

And to me, that can be the best lesson they could ever learn in life and can take them so far.   I think we should all take a little lesson from C, and every time I try to tell myself I can’t do something either, I just need to take a look at the smaller picture and imagine him, for the first time, picking up that cheerio and actually hitting his mouth.  Ah, it’s like magic.

5-1-5-0

A few weeks ago, A and I travelled to Nashville and Atlanta for a work trip.  My cousin was great and came and hung out with A while I did my meetings, tours, etc.- A was in hog heaven.  My cousin and her 2 kids, ages 8 and 10 are a wee bit like 'older celebrities' to A, they do big kid things, like play tennis, dance, sing songs, have their own ipods, and get to drink soda!

Since our return, we have spent a lot of time listening to music and I finally downloaded some of the favorites to my new iPhone.  If I asked A, her definite favorite from the trip was a Taylor Swift song, "Never ever, getting back together".  Her and O sing the song a lot, they like to serenade daddy with it. 

But since we now listen to the radio a bit more, I didn't realize how quickly they pick things up until we were out for breakfast recently and while waiting for our food and out pops- 5-1-5-2  somebody call the 'po po'.  5-2-5-3 somebody call the 'po po'

I started to laugh and then gave A some props for continuing her counting, what the heck, it is kind of a catchy toon.

Satellite Radio

Since having my posse and moving out of the state where I grew up, one of the biggest changes in my life is the time I have for my old friends. Working full time and just doing our day to day stuff makes our plate already full.  I do manage to catch up with my college buds though about once a year, even if it is a crazy car and zoo trip.  Those trips certainly are different too, if the three of us are able to get together, at least one of our combined posses (we have 6 kids under 6) are having a meltdown or running frantically.  Sometimes it makes me laugh at how crazy our lives have become.  But at night, if we can swing time for a sleepover, with the kids asleep, and we have time to whisper and catch up over a few glasses of beer, It is those moments that get me through to the next time... 

The moments in those trips seem to always get tied to a song we hear on the radio (or in the last case, a song that was playing in the mini-van dvd player).  Those memories and many others are tied to songs that were playing around that time in my life, good memories and not so great memories too. Memories of hanging out with friends or family, or of a particular trip or just a point in time.  I like to think these songs are creating an album of my life.

Every six months or so, our satellite radio will come up for renewal, and my husband and I will have a long chat about the cost and do we really need it.  I convince myself we do, because it is just my little secret, but it was what keeps me in touch the most with those memories of that album of my life.  I'll drop the kids off at school and spend my next 10 minutes, cruising the radio, searching for that perfect song.  And on those hardest mornings (when I barked at one of them to 'rock and roll, we gotta go!', or 1, 2 or 3 of them are crying at drop off, and I'm running late for my first meeting), someone must be watching out for me, because I'm almost guaranteed to hear the 'Friends' theme song, 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' or just a little 'Dust on the Bottle" and I go back to those college days, and think, for just one minute, that we're all back there, living together, and having a few too many beers.  To me, that's makes my satellite radio priceless.

So tell me, what songs are creating the album of your life?

The "Santa Cam"

We don’t tell ‘lies’ around our house, we do, however, often tell some “tall tales”.  (Whatever, don’t judge, the “tall tales” vs. lies makes me feel better).

On our recent family trip to Las Vegas (this isn’t posted to discuss the merits of whether “Family” and “Las Vegas” are massive contradictions), my husband pointed out that all of the cameras in the ceilings.  “A” misunderstood, and thought he was pointing out all of the ‘sprinklers’.  We head into our room, and A points out all of the cameras in there too.  We roll with it, behaviors and the ‘craziness’ seemed to wander away when we could point out that someone else was watching.

Last night, over dinner, I’m rushing around cooking dinner, setting the table, feeding C, putting bottles and b’milk away, and cleaning up a broken glass (all within 15 minutes) and A ends up kicking her sister.  I told her to apologize, she had a little fit and then all of a sudden looks up and yells, “Mommy!  There are cameras here too!”, I looked up and said, “wow, I’ve never noticed that, good eye, A!  I bet they are Santa Cams! OH no, Santa just saw you kick O!!! What do you need to do?”  She looks up, doesn’t skip a beat and says “Sorry Santa!”.  I corrected her and said she needs to apologize to O, not Santa. 

Daddy gets home, and A and O start yelling at him, “Daddy, Daddy!  There are Santa Cams all over the place!”  Confused, he looks to me for direction.  I just whispered “the sprinklers…”

The next hour after dinner is spent wandering throughout the house,

“Mommy, there is a camera in the bathroom!”  “A, I bet that is so he can see if you wash your hands and flush when you’re done!” 

“Mommy, there is one in the toy closet!”  “I bet that is so he can see if it is messy!”

You get the idea, we have LOTS of sprinklers in our house…

So fess up, what ‘tall tales’ do you tell around your house?

It takes a village

I heard ions ago that it takes a village to raise a family and I guess I never really thought that much about it until I had my own.  My husband and I have made the decision to live thousands of miles away from our families and while it is a hard realization, understand that our kids will have different relationships with their grandparents, aunts and uncles than we did.  It doesn't mean that California will always be our home, but for now it is.

Our family village works hard to maintain relationships with the kids is not an easy feet for our far away families, but they do a great job.  They have special ways that they interact with the kids, and in some way, shape and form, at least A & O hold them to almost a ‘super hero’ status. 

For our local village, we have been blessed with some great neighbors.  Our neighbors Miss Trishy and Mr. Gar Bear (I’m sure he loves that moniker), are in their mid-50’s, and are about as great as we could hope for.  They are the ‘stand in grandparents’ that march over to see the ‘dry run’ for our Halloween costumes, check out the new Lego house that was built or join us for birthday cake.  My favorite though, has to be, as soon as their garage door opens, it is almost as if a little beeper goes off in our house to alert the girls that Miss Trishy or Mr. Gar Bear might be ready for their presence, they run out and yell (in their loudest voices)- “Hi, MISS TRISHY!!  We’re here!”

I laugh at the daily interactions our neighbors have with our kids and one particular recent conversation still makes me chuckle, and be it a little ‘Dennis the Menace’ like…  this is out of our living room window with 0, my three year old.

“Mr. Dave, watcha doing out there? Your new deck is looking good (He has been working on this new deck for nearly 4 months, I’m sure he appreciates the kudos). Have you seen my ball? I have a little brother. My Daddy is taking a nap. Mommy is making us do some cleanin up. We are selling all of our toys at our rummage sale unless we start putting them away.".

Later that night, at a neighborhood picnic, I relayed the conversation to his wife.  She laughed, I said I just appreciate his patience and often his responses are just about as priceless.  She commented that he often just doesn’t even know what to say, because he never had kids of his own.  I think he does a great job, just the way he is.

Tell me, who was/is in your village either now or growing up?

Introduction

For my social media class, I am tasked with creating a blog about a topic of interest to me.  I thought about writing about event management or about my company.  I decided the company was a no go, way too many regulations and approvals required for cyberspace, and while event management is definitely a passion, it just isn't as entertaining as raising my posse.

About me, I am a married traveling, working mother of three kids:  A is 4, O is trailing about 19 months behind her at 3 and C, our little prince, is 8 mos.  To say life is crazy at times is an understatement, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I hope you will enjoy and interact with me on our journey, and if nothing else, this will be great to have for my children some day, since baby books are really only a dream right now.